Chapter 50

June 5, 2023

MELANIE

            Louis was stupid as he ever was, but she felt better knowing the he was her idiot. For once, the ring felt right, and the dress didn’t matter. She felt beautiful when she was with him, not matter what she was (or wasn’t) wearing. Melanie was enjoying every bit of herself, and the wedding seemed more like a technicality than the big deal it had been before. She knew that things would always stay the way they were.

            The first months had been weird, they’d been figuring out their new dynamic. Soon enough, though, they settled into one that fit just who they were. There were playful kisses and passionate ones, and it was everything Melanie’s father had told her would be waiting for her. Louis knew when she was having a bad day, and he let her have her space. He was there when she needed him, but he let her do things her own way. Louis looked after her in ways she’d hardly known were possible.

            “Third times’ the charm,” Her father said as he walked with her into the church.

            “Oh, shut up,” She rolled her eyes, and the aisle wasn’t a punishment anymore, it was unfathomable joy.

            “You deserve it,” He laughed, and she sighed without knowing why as the doors opened.

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Chapter 49

March 9, 2022

            She was beautiful. Her hair was done in a way that made her glow, and Louis silently thanked whoever had decided against the normal bride style. Her dress hid the parts of her he loved most, but she was more beautiful than on any other day. Melanie had a half hidden smile on her face that he wasn’t even sure she knew of. She was walking like it was a dream, and Louis almost felt bad for what he knew he was going to do. At least, until she made eye contact with him. He’d never seen her blue eyes so bright, and she was beautiful. She was beautiful because she was Melanie.

            The crowd stood for her, and her eyes were blurred. Louis wasn’t even sure she realized she was taking the steps forward. He hadn’t really thought out much of his plan either. Harry had decided him. He would go for it. He would take the chance he’d always been too scared to make. Even though the crowd was whispering about how beautiful she was, Louis knew they hadn’t even seen her when she was laughing. Carefully, he glanced over at Harry, and was surprised to find that Harry wasn’t watching Melanie at all. Louis supposed he knew that he’d need the extra push, and he smiled as Harry nodded at him.

            Suddenly none of it mattered.

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Chapter 48

March 9, 2022

            There was a tingling pull in her stomach that had become too familiar. It was as if a fishing hook pulled at her middle, numbing some parts and sending others into a frenzied panic. Melanie wasn’t sure why her life had turned out the way it had. On paper, she had everything. But things rarely work out as well as they do on paper. Melanie was aching, retching within herself. In a way, it seemed fair she should suffer as she made Jeremy suffer. In a way, she was dead.

            The wedding dress made her pale skin look even paler, and she frowned at the sight. Melanie traced the scar on her left shoulder from when she’d fallen as a girl, and she smiled at her mother’s memory. Her eyes were drawn to her mouth, hard set and too old for the reasonably young face that framed it. Winkles marked the edges of her smile as she forced one on her face. Yet, she was not the happy bride, though she tried in every way.

            Her phone rang and she jumped, “Hello?”

            “Melanie!” She heard Jeremy’s voice.

            “Jeremy!” She said, looking into the mirror and frowning at the way the dress hugged the wrong places, “Is something wrong?”

            “No, no!” He said quickly, filled with an enthusiasm that made Melanie strongly melancholic, “I just wanted to say we’re heading to the church now, so don’t be late.”

            “As if I would be.” And she laughed at the oddity of their interaction.

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Chapter 47

March 9, 2022

            The tux itched and Louis squirmed beneath the fabric. He felt like a worm caught on the pavement during a rainfall; writhing, dying, and helpless. Louis paced, walking around his hotel room and ruffling his hair every so often. At times he found himself muttering, unaware of what he was really saying. Louis shook his head, trying to focus. It didn’t work, and Louis found himself pulling at his hair as he stared out the window. It seemed unfair that the city should be so calm when Louis had so many thoughts he couldn’t organize them.

            “Shit,” He muttered shutting the blinds so the silent city would stop mocking him.

            Everything seemed so loud and so final. Louis, like a trapped dog, could not see a way out of the situation. After today he might have to wait bittersweet years, or maybe even forever. Would she have kids? Louis couldn’t imagine spending time with them. Would he love them because they were hers? Or would he feel a coldness for them because they were his? Despite all the drive to leave and drag her from the wedding with him, Louis paused. If Melanie truly loved Jeremy, was it right for him to shake the foundations of it?

            Louis was a mess.

            Melanie would say he always was.

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Chapter 46

March 9, 2022

            There was a layer of electricity in the air that seemed to run through her heart every so often. As she sat on the chair listening to the hairdresser hum, Melanie thought perhaps the air itself was. All at once she felt sick. She desperately wanted to run; but whether it was to the aisle or from it she did not know.

            “So today’s the big day, huh?” The young brunette said, looking in the mirror at Melanie.

            “One of many.” She smiled tightly.

            “Nervous?” The hairdresser laughed, “I was too.”

            For the first time, Melanie noticed a small ring on her finger, “Congratulations.”

            “It’s scary,” The over enthused worker said, “but I’ve never regretted it.”

            “Really?” Melanie asked in surprise, “It was everything you hoped for?”

            “Well, he can be really awful sometimes,” She sighed, running her fingers through Melanie’s hair, “but we work through it.”

            “That’s good, then, right?” Melanie smiled; watching s her hair was misted and cut.

            “Marriage is tough,” The hairdresser sighed, “but I wouldn’t be half as happy as I am now if I’d walked away.”

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Chapter 45

October 8

Melanie played anxiously with the hem of her shirt, waiting with held breath. She’d seen her father two years ago for a quick two day family event. After, he’d gone back to Canada, and she’d stayed in England. They’d drifted apart. When she’d seen him he was tired and greyed, and Melanie had only then realized the toll of death. She had only then been able to grasp the ache that followed him around, flaring up as memories resurfaced.

When her mother had died, Melanie had been too young to really grasp it. She couldn’t understand the finality of the situation. But with Niall it was differed. She knew now why her father had withdrawn from family and friends. She understood that feeling in the pit of her stomach that never went away. She wondered how her father had been able to look at her without breaking down. She was everything her mother was, living again in the cruelest way.

She wondered if she should apologize for never understanding. Melanie decided that it was better to leave her father to his own ways rather than mess things up for him. Some wounds can’t be healed, and it’s best to let those who are injured deal with them how they see fit. Left to his own devices, he’d survived. Maybe grief was best handled in the solitude it provided, but either way Melanie was nervous about seeing the heartbroken man again.

“Melanie!” She heard the familiar gruff voice and startled.

“Hi, Dad.” She smiled at him, and wondered why she had been nervous at all.

“You look beautiful,” She smiled, and Melanie was unfamiliar with this new cheerful father, “as always!”

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Chapter 44

October 1

            “Time goes by so quickly when you forget it’s there.” Melanie mused as they rode the train to Eastbourne.

            Louis noticed that she was staring at the engagement ring which she’d replaced on her finger. He felt old in that he wanted nothing more than to stay with Melanie. He wondered if they could do it, to live on their own, to run away. Louis watched Melanie braid her long black hair in silence, and though of how much of an idiot he was. He wished he’d realized sooner that he loved her.

            But wishing changes nothing.

            “Why Eastbourne?” He asked suddenly.

            “Dunno,” She shrugged, “seemed like a nice place for a hurrah.”

            “You’ll still come on trips with me, won’t you?”

            “Of course,” She smiled, “but much less often. Jeremy and I want to start a family once we’re married.”

            Louis jumped. He supposed a marriage wasn’t final. She could get divorced, he could run away. But kids never left. They would always tie the two of them together. They would become an unbreakable bond. It wasn’t even just that. Louis jumped because he wanted kids, but he wouldn’t have them with anyone else. He wanted a house of screaming kids, so long as he had the right person.

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A/N Listen to this while you read, if you’d like

Chapter 43

September 12

            Melanie found herself wandering as if she could forget her problems the more she walked. It seemed to her that things were always worse than they seemed. Somehow, she was pulled back to when they had visited her mother. She remembered everything about that day, as if it were a dot in time staring her in the face. Melanie didn’t know how it happened, but she found herself on a familiar roof in a familiar garden.

            Even though he and his wife had moved to Ireland some years ago, Niall’s wife had asked if she could maintain the garden. Every one or two weeks she’s take the ferry over, and catch a train back. At first she didn’t bring their kids, it was too hard. But later, she saw it as a way for them to remember him. And as Melanie walked around the garden never abandoned, she saw the marked they left behind.

            A tiny footstep in the soil was accentuated by a picture frame they’d placed there. In it Melanie saw one of her friends smiling at her from the grave. His hair was longer like it had been when they’d just met. James and Ady crowded around their mother, smiling with cherub cheeks and bone white teeth. Melanie was drawn to their mother, who was smiling as widely as her children.

            And suddenly she decided.

            Melanie walked around their garden, noticing a fireplace recently used, and chanced upon a few important things. She realized that Niall’s family was the epitome of happy even after his death. They had a happiness Melanie could not hope to know. And she knew why. With Louis she could imagine a life like the one they had. She could imagine her happy ending. But, if the prince is blind you can’t wait forever, and she’d come to that decision on her own.

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Chapter 42

September 9

            Many times in his life Louis had thought he knew what he wanted. He had wanted fame, and the money to support his family. He’d thought it was the best, but hindsight provided the best vision. He knew now he’d rather have struggled with his debts and watched his sisters grow up than miss out. But the problem with what he wanted was that he didn’t quite know if he’d want it later.

            Louis and Melanie were rarely found at their small little table in that eclectic room. The quickly replaced staff of university students began to forget about the strange couple who visited, leaving a hefty tip behind. They were lost to myth and legend, and the photo of them hanging on the café wall began gathering dust. Because people are forgotten, and lost on the way.

            “Melly, what’re you doing here?” He asked, jumping at their accidental meeting.

            Melanie stopped brushing the back of her left hand and looked up at him, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, “I hoped I’d see you. I’ve missed you.”

            Louis’ heart jumped as she spoke and he noticed the missing ring on her hand, “why didn’t you call, Mells?”

            “I don’t really know.” She blushed a little, and Louis felt his heart racing as they sat down together.

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Chapter 41

September 8

            “Are you excited for the wedding?” Harry asked casually as Melanie cooked soup on the stove.

            “Eh,” She shrugged, and she was glad he could only see her back, “As excited as you can be.”

            “Oh, come on now,” Harry laughed a youthful laugh that always seemed to return them to the past, “that’s a man’s response to a wedding.”

            Melanie shrugged and gave Harry his bowl of soup, not bothering to acknowledge her less than enthusiastic response. Harry seemed to eye her with a curious look that was at once rapturous and felt like an evaluation. Though she questioned this searching look she could not bear to face it, and Melanie stared into her soup instead. Harry seemed triumphant, and Melanie feared the possibility that he had won. Though what, she did not know.

            Harry winning was never good, you never heard the end of it.    

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Chapter 40

August 6

            Louis hadn’t realized how lonely he was until he saw Melanie slipping away. In the same way he hadn’t realized himself aging until he was hit by the years, he hadn’t noticed his loneliness growing. Life sneaks up on us, and when we turn to look it in the eye it runs away If we’re lucky. If we’re not, we’re left staring the enormity in the face, we’re left wondering if we’re important at all.

            Louis had been left wondering.

            Was the fame worth it? Was he eve n a success? The young girls who’d screamed their names and followed them around had grown up and gone. The talk shows and radio stations had stopped calling, the photographers were gone. His family had grown, moved on, and he felt stuck. He wasn’t really a success, not a tall. What had he done? Sung a few back -up vocals? Maybe a solo or two? He’d done nothing, really He had no real job, no family, he didn’t even have a house. He could, if he wanted.

            But he didn’t want much of anything anymore.

            Louis ate when he knew he should, but not because he wanted to. He brushed his teeth every night, even though he only went to bed when his eyes could no longer stay open. Every morning he got dressed, because it provided the allusion that he had something to do, somewhere to be. He wandered London on his own, not because he wanted to, but because he needed to. Louis looked but did not see, he breathed, but he did not live. Truly, he was letting go of the one thing that might have saved him.

            But his greatest pains and pleasures were brought by the same thing.

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Chapter 39

August 3

            “We’ve been down this route before.” Angeline said as they walked away from yet another store without a dress.

            “Yeah, but things have changed.” Melanie said firmly, “Besides, that last one didn’t look half bad!”

            “Oh you’re kidding yourself.” Angeline snorted and they kept walking.

            Melanie liked the bustle of people on the streets, the way they were so close and most people didn’t even realize anyone else was there. She supposed she could do without the honking of buses and yelling of people on phones, but it was nice enough. It was nice enough to have that small happiness. It was nice enough to have Jeremy.

            “You’ll have the perfect wedding.” Melanie sighed, “Brendan’s so good at finding what you like.”

            “Want to know a bit of advice?” Angeline asked, raising a brow at her.

            “A piece of your holy wisdom? Of course I do.”

            “Shut up and listen.” Angeline laughed, “Wait for the ones who’ll wait.”

            “But won’t we both just be waiting, then?” Melanie pointed out, just to be smart.

            “Maybe for a while,” She looked away, “but eventually you won’t be able to ignore it.”

            “Someone I can’t ignore, huh? I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for that.”

            “Melanie, you really can be an idiot sometimes.” Angeline sighed.

            Melanie let out a bubble of laughter and spun round, giggling, “I strive to be different.”

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Chapter 38

July 29

            “We really don’t need to stop.” Melanie said guiltily as she and Louis walked around an outdoor mall, biting the corner of her lip.

            Louis gave her a sidelong glance before laughing a little and shaking his head, “We don’t need to do a lot of things.”

            “Like?” Melanie teased.

            “Well, I guess, everything,” Louis paused, “except eating and dying I suppose.”

            “You’re very strange.”

            “I strive to be different.” He shrugged.

            There was a slight pause before Melanie said, “You know, most people would say death is the one thing we don’t need.”

            “I change my mind.”

            “Really?” She seemed surprised.

            “Yes,” Louis said firmly, “besides basic necessities for living there’re only two things we really need.”

            Melanie smiled in the way she had of pulling her lips back farther on the right than the left and whispered, “And what would those two things be?”

            Just as solemnly Louis replied, “Love and death.”

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Chapter 37

July 21

            Melanie had come to accept that Louis wouldn’t see her as more than a friend. The ache in her heart had dulled, and only occasionally did she experience the splitting stab of realization that he was blind. Taking a tip from Harry, she started dating again casually. And so Jeremy had come into the picture. She’d have to thank Harry, Jeremy was wonderful. He’d gotten into this mess knowing she loved another, that her heart could not be won. And really, he was a great sport about it. He never confronted the way she could not return his words of love, he didn’t chide her for falling into days it felt she would never get out of.

            Jeremy was someone she would have liked to fall in love with. Of course, love is never planned. So Melanie made sure Jeremy knew how much she appreciated him, how much she cared. It wasn’t so bad, this being just friends thing. The only regret she had was seeing Jeremy fall in love with her more and more, and knowing she couldn’t save his heart from the fall.

            “You’re the best.” Melanie smiled, kissing Jeremy as she sat down next to him on the sofa.

            “Oh, really?” He asked, leaning close and peppering her neck with kisses before whispering in her ear, “Why’s that?”

            “You let me be who I am,” She smiled, kissing his cheek, “and that’s enough for you.”

            “I try not to patch up the battered,” Jeremy murmured, “it’s usually the last thing they want.”

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Chapter 36

July 21

            “You know, when I first met you, you were very different.” Caroline said to him as they ate dinner.

            Louis wasn’t paying much attention but he managed to not like he was and say, “Oh really, how?”

            As we’ve said, Louis had a lot on his mind. He’d finally settled on and accepted that he loved Melanie. But people are messy, and truths are hard. Louis didn’t want to be alone, really. He knew it was unfair to Caroline, but he also knew Melanie and Jeremy had gotten more serious since they’d met nearly a year earlier. He was watching the one thing he wanted slip away slowly, but surely.

            “…used to be so carefree, and now you’re bogged down.” Caroline finished, and Louis shook himself out of his trance.

            “So what you’re saying is,” he said slowly, “I’m different in a bad way.”

            “No, what I’m saying is that you’ve fallen in love with a life I’m not in.” She said obstinately, and though he heard the hurt in her trembling voice he wasn’t troubled by it.

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